The Realities of Failure and Success

Have you ever felt like a failure for stopping an activity or hobby? Many of us can probably relate to the feeling of freshness that a new hobby brings to our life. When something is so new and exciting and fun and it’s all you want to be doing. Maybe it’s playing a new instrument, learning a new language, or doing a fitness routine. Maybe you once took up baking and bought all the recipe books and special tools and invested hours into watching YouTubers make sourdough, then you made a few loaves and promptly left your baking days behind.

It’s those moments when we remember that we left an activity behind that often send us into a spiral of self-judgment. The “ugh, this is why I’ll never be really good at anything”, or the “what a waste of money, I’m so bad at spending wisely” or the classic “another failure, all I do is fail”.

When failure is the only thing you do consistently.

It can sometimes feel like the only consistent activity you do is fail to keep up with what you wish you were doing. But it’s that word again, isn’t it? Failure. It’s become such a recurring part of our personal narrative. We’ve failed if we don’t achieve our ultimate dream job. We’ve failed if we’re not as beautiful or as slim as so-and-so. We’ve failed if we were trying to eat healthier and then ate a doughnut. We’ve failed if we were trying to meditate every day and then forgot about it for a week.

So why do we think like this? Why are we forcing ourselves to try and fit into a mould of absolutes?

Failure has taken on a new meaning.

Literally, failure means “lack of success”. To which you might think “exactly, I’m not successful, therefore I’m a failure”. To which I ask - what difference does it make?

Let’s think on a macro level for a moment, as broadly as we can. Why would the average person think that they - in general - are not “successful”? What does “successful” even look like? Someone who’s rich? Or famous? Or in really great shape? Or won a Pulitzer? It’s probably going to mean something different to everyone, but there are also these very broad ideas that have become so pervasive that even if we might not be thinking them directly, they are still in our consciousness as some standard to which we have to hold ourselves.

And sometimes, the answer to “why aren’t you successful?” is simply “because I’m too much of a failure to ever be successful”. So we can’t be successful because we’re a failure, and we always fail because we’re not successful enough not to fail. Yikes.

How do we achieve success in a world of failure?

There are probably thousands of business and personal development books that would disagree with me on this, but my theory is that in order to stop failing, the main thing we can try and do is stop thinking about failure. Because really, what we tend to do is look at micro things under a weirdly macro lens. So you ate a doughnut - what difference does it make? Why would a goal of “eat healthier” have a finite time period within your life that begins with an ultimatum and ends with a doughnut? If your goal was “learn Japanese” and then you were on a great streak where you learned some vocabulary every day for a couple of weeks and then stopped for a little while, what difference does it make? Does that little while of not learning new words undo all the words you learned before that? Does it prevent you from learning a new word today? Or tomorrow? Or the next day?

The case may be that you dove into a new hobby or activity and then after a while it was just hard to enjoy it as much as you did at the beginning, or something else in your life changed and the new hobby just didn’t fit as well with your new obligations. Maybe you’ll come back to it someday. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ve decided it’s not worth the time/effort/money/etc right now, in which case maybe you want to just sell or donate your new hobby accoutrements, or put them at the back of the closet for another time. Either way - that’s not failure. That’s just things changing. That’s life.

A lot of our ideas about success and failure are ingrained from a young age, and we got used to applying these terms to situations that simply don’t warrant them. And we might just be better off eschewing them completely. “Success” as a broad term just isn’t a viable goal because it means something different depending on every context.

It’s not a failure, it’s an opportunity for growth.

Life is complicated, and it’s only ever getting more complicated. But every activity we do has the potential to enrich us in some way - even if partaking in that activity the only insight you gain is “I hate this activity”, that’s still an insight. That’s still something you learned. It’s still a new item that you added to your already long list of life experiences.

We’re not all in as much competition as it appears. While there can be value in competition under certain circumstances, it’s both unhealthy and unhelpful to create competition where there is none, particularly when it causes us to create abstract ideas of what winning would look like. If our idea of success is some outlandish ideal that we created in our minds, how do we ever expect to achieve it? Sadly, sometimes we don’t, and we’re subconsciously setting ourselves up for failure. Which again shows that we’re forcing these labels of success and failure into situations in which they really have no business. It’s just what we’re used to doing. At best it’s a habit and at worst it’s an addiction that leads us into dark cycles of judgment and self criticism, based entirely outside the realms of logic and rationality.

In the game of success, maybe the real secret isn’t about how to win. Maybe the real value is in refusing to play at all.

Is Social Media Making Us Lose Our Minds?

Now that many of us have spent the majority of 2020 inside, spending hours engaging with our devices feels like less of a distraction from our everyday lives, and more of a way of holding on to some sense that everyday life. In a time when we are unable to see as many people or do as many things as we’d like, we’re seeking solace in the most ubiquitous connection we have - the internet. It has everything, doesn’t it? A way to chat with friends, a means of working from home, inspirational videos to get us motivated to learn a new skill while we’re stuck at home, and silly videos to laugh at while we wallow in depression when we fail to make any progress with that new skill.

While we’re currently spending around 4 hours per day using various apps on our phones, for the purposes of this article, we’re just going to be looking at the social media side of things, which apparently amounts to an impressive average of 2.5 hours of usage every day.

Why do we use social media?

Back in 2009, a large-scale study showed social media users’ reasons for wanting to be on social networking sites. The most-cited reason for usage was making new contacts (31%), and interestingly, only 21% of the responses claimed that keeping in touch with existing friends was the most important reason for using social media. If you were a member of social network in 2009, you may well remember that the landscape was very different; Facebook had only just introduced the Like button, Twitter users had barely even heard of a hashtag, and Instagram hadn’t even been invented yet. A lot has changed.

These days, we’re all well aware of the newly-realised dangers that social media can have on our mental health, and, despite the pandemic, Facebook has seen a decrease in users, but all the other major networks are currently holding strong as serious holders of our attention.

The rise of doom-scrolling

The primary source of our mindlessness when using social media is the scroll feature. The newly-coined term ‘doom-scrolling’ perfectly encapsulates the use of a technology that web developers call ‘continuous scroll’. In a time where, let’s be honest, most of us are thoroughly glued to our technology, continuous scroll is what allows us to get that next little hit, that thing we’re craving - more content. A simple pull down with a thumb on a phone; a gentle drag with a fingertip on a trackpad. That’s all it takes to reveal more. More conversation, more tweets, more images, more links, more videos, more things to look at. The internet is one giant, self-filling bowl of M&Ms that tells us “go on, just one more. You’ll like it, it’s sweet.” And with every morsel, the sugar hits our brains and our brains say back “oh yes, that’s the good stuff.”

We’re no longer in control of our feed.

Perhaps back when all these sites first came about and there weren’t many users, the only people we were following online actually were just people we knew in real life. But the average Facebook user now has 338 Facebook friends, even though roughly 39% of those are people they’ve never met in real life. Active Twitter users follow an average of 457 accounts (and even mostly inactive users follow an average of 74 accounts). Results from a sampling of Instagram users showed that the average user follows over 800 other accounts.

But you choose who you follow, right? All the things you see on your social media are things you choose to see, right?! Nope! When we’re having fun following funny accounts and chatting with friends on these free apps, it’s easy to forget that there are huge companies behind the scenes pulling the strings, sneaking in promoting posts that look like something you already follow. And even though we’re not paying with money to use these apps, we’re paying with something else: our attention. And now that many of the big social networks have incorporated a method of showing things on your feed about what your friends are Liking or commenting on, it’s adding to your feed things that you didn’t ask to see. It’s just another way that they’re adding more noise to your mix. You didn’t ask for it, but it keeps you scrolling.

We’re fighting a battle for our own attention… and we’re losing.

Ever found yourself losing track of time while you scroll and scroll and scroll? Or picked up your phone to do something, but automatically opened Facebook or Instagram and totally forgot what you had initially meant to do? Yep, it happens a lot. And maybe you’re feeling completely fine about your relationship to social media. If you are, then feel free to stop reading here, I won’t be offended! But if you are one of the people who feels as though your social networks are a drain on your motivation or your positivity, then hopefully the rest of this article will give you some ideas to mull over.

Reclaim your mental space

• Consider deleting the apps from your phone. Reclaiming mental space from social media starts with reclaiming some phone space. We’re not talking about de-activating accounts, just making it a little less easy to open apps at any moment you’re not occupied. Many people have this way of app-cycling - when one app doesn’t provide us with the immediate hit we were looking for (a message, a comment on our post, a new follow, etc), we close that app and switch to another and we do some Likes and updates there, and then move to the next app. By the time we’ve made it through the cycle, it’s time to start again and see if there have been any comments or reactions to the updates we just made, and the cycle repeats. By removing apps from your phone and making a point to only use the networks while you’re at a computer, it could help break the feeling of needing to constantly check the device that you always have with you.

• Purge your follows. It’s so easy to go on a following spree every now and again. But if it’s been a while since you evaluated all the accounts you follow, it’s worth checking out. If you’re following a few hundred accounts, it’s very likely that you barely even see updates from many of them (and you have the algorithms to thank/blame for that. Basically, the more accounts you follow, the lower the likelihood that you’ll see posts from all of them). So go through and see who you’re actually following. Here are some questions to consider while you do this:

  • Is this a person whose updates you’re actually interested in?

  • Is this a person you followed as a courtesy because they followed you (ie a rediscovered high school connection, someone you used to work with)? Are they still following you? If they already unfollowed you, maybe you feel ok about unfollowing them too.

  • For celebrity accounts - does this celebrity post content relevant to why you like them? For example, maybe it’s a musician that you like, but most of what they post on their Instagram is recipes that you may not want to make. If that doesn’t interest you, you could unfollow their Instagram and instead connect with them in a way that’s more about the music, ie following them on Spotify, or signing up for their mailing list.

  • For brand accounts - do you remember following this account? Did you follow them with intention, or were you just entering a contest and one of the requirements was that you had to be following five affiliated accounts. It might seem like brands are just giving you pretty pictures to look at, but remember that they are only ever trying to sell you stuff. If you don’t want to buy what they’re selling, you can probably unfollow. Following strangers is also a tactic that influencers use: they follow you to get you to follow them back, and then they unfollow you and hope you won’t notice.

• Ask yourself how the content you’re seeing makes you feel. Maybe you have a great-aunt who’s always posting questionable memes on Facebook, or you have a colleague who ‘grams sixty pictures of their kids a day, and you’re worried that unfriending them will cause friction. Don’t be afraid to use the mute feature. That way, you’ll still have the connection there, but you won’t have to constantly see the things they post.

• Think before you air your grievances on the internet. It might seem like angry-tweeting or facebook-ranting is just a way to get something off your chest, but we all know that writing something on your social media isn’t a one-and-done type of thing. Every time someone interacts with that post, you might be more likely to more deeply entrench yourself in the associated emotions:

  • About to share something that made you angry? Ask yourself why. Why do your followers need to know that you’re angry right now? Will it help you feel less angry? Will it undo the thing that made you angry? What do you hope will come from sharing this - do you want other people to feel angry too?

  • Following someone you don’t like/don’t agree with, and you can’t help but post disapproving comments in response? Are you following a politician you don’t care for, and all you do is respond to their tweets with insults? Ask yourself why you’re following that person in the first place. If they have hundreds of thousands of followers, they’re not even seeing your response. And even if they are somehow going to notice yours, is a short insulting tweet or offensive meme going to change their viewpoint or actions? Is this a productive or beneficial use of your time, your energy, or your emotion?

• Do you feel bad about your social media usage, and wish you were doing something else? Firstly, please remember that social media addiction is very real. If your addiction is at a point where it’s negatively affecting your offline life, or you feel an unshakeable, constant urge to use social media, or if you already have a mental health issue such as depressive or anxiety that is made worse by your social media usage, you could consider speaking to a therapist. Even if your usage doesn’t feel like a full-on addiction but is still a bad habit, you can try a few methods to wean yourself off it.

  • Make it easy to do something else. Want to read more books? Keep a book with you! Every time you feel the urge to check your phone, take a breath, put the phone down, and pick up the book.

  • Leave your phone out of arm’s reach. We’re at a point where we tend to carry our phones everywhere. Do you take your phone with you to the kitchen while you’re making tea? Leave it in the living room. Watching a film but keep getting the urge to pick up your phone? Put it in another room for the duration of the movie. By setting up these small ways to distance ourselves from the phone, we can start to interrupt the urge/response cycle.

Mindfulness and social media may not seem like something that go together, but by applying the principles of mindfulness to the way we use our social networks, we can start to look at them in a way that benefits us, and use them as a tool for genuine connection and entertainment rather than a habitual distraction from the present.

Developing a meaningful and mindful relationship with anger

We all know what it’s like to be angry. And these days, where it can feel like we’re online and consuming media constantly, anger seems to be a difficult emotion to avoid. One professor at the University of California at Irvine even said that Americans are currently living in “an anger incubator”. Yikes.

But mindfulness is about letting go of those angry vibes and spreading love and light, right? Not quite. The important thing to consider right away is that anger is a normal and natural response. While psychologists have apparently debated the exact number of “basic emotions” (different sources state there are between four and eight), the one common thread is that all theories include anger as a basic emotion.

While anger is often an unpleasant feeling, it would be unfair to it as an emotion to consider it negative. Researchers consider it be a valuable tool both from an evolutionary standpoint (for example, as a response to a predator), and also in maintaining societal order.

So if it’s a naturally occurring emotion, then how much influence do we really have over it? How do we pinpoint more accurately what it actually is, so that we can learn how better to deal with it? One potentially helpful theory distinguishes anger, revenge, and hate by saying that anger is a result of a situation (particularly an unjust one) whereas the wish to exact revenge is a result of wanting to re-establish a sense of the self, and hatred is typically directed toward a person or group, or another external object or thing.

Anger may be normal, but it might not always be helpful

So we know that anger can be helpful, but that doesn’t mean it always is. (Also, "unhelpful" is probably only safe to use when describing your own anger. It's not advised to outwardly judge someone else's anger as unhelpful, or to tell someone to just 'let it go'.)

Deciding to let go of anger could be a decision you make for yourself, especially if you're dwelling in anger a lot or you feel it's holding you back. So how do you know if it's something you should let go or if you can use it? That's going to take a little pondering on your part, but let's consider some ideas:

What happened that made you feel anger?

Anger often occurs when we hit an obstacle. Maybe you've had a tough day at work, and you're so close to being home but when you quickly pop into the supermarket to grab a treat, someone cuts in front of you in the queue. Or maybe you've been interviewed for your dream job, and you really thought it was going to be yours but then you found out it was offered to someone at your old job who you never really got on with.

Those seem like very different scales of situation, but the resulting anger could be the same. In these cases it's important to remember that your emotional response can vary wildly from day to day, based on all the other things happening in your life. If you're having a good day, someone skipping ahead of you in line at the supermarket could be brushed off without a second thought. So the first way we can mindfully consider our anger is by asking ourselves: is this level of anger* an appropriate response? Is this worth my anger?

*’level of anger' is something that is very personal. You might only feel a light anger or a gnawing frustration, but anger could also manifest as a deep seething where your pulse rate increases and your breathing changes.

The answer might just be a simple "no". It might not be worth the anger if your anger cannot lead to a righting of the wrong. You could speak up, and say "excuse me, but I was next in the queue." That person might have been so caught up in their own life and their own situation that maybe they didn't even see you there, in which case maybe they'll apologise and join the queue behind you. But maybe it doesn't matter to you that much, maybe you're not in a hurry and the time it will take for the cashier to serve that extra customer isn't worth the energy and emotion of you engaging with someone about it.

Either way, you can't control the fact that anger arose in you. As established earlier, the feeling of anger is a normal and natural response.

When anger is appropriate

So what about those situations where the answer is "yes"? Those moments where your anger is definitely an appropriate response to an unjust situation. Well, you still have some decisions to make:

• What can you do with the anger?

  Can you use it to create change? Even if it's an almost imperceivable change, would it make you feel better to attempt to contribute to a just cause? These are the things we can consider in large-scale injustices, like racism, social issues, cruelty to animals, climate change, etc. In these cases, it can be hard to feel like we have any power to make changes, but we can remind ourselves that perhaps any contribution is better than none at all, and at the very least, altruism could help our overall wellbeing

• How can you take responsibility for your anger?

  If you feel that your anger is appropriate and you feel compelled to act on it, how can that be done reasonably? Let’s take our previous example of being in the queue at the supermarket and that person who cuts in front of you. If you’re thinking about this scenario while you’re not actually living it, you might think that you’d politely point out to the person that you were next. But is it likely that you’d be able to keep that much composure? Or would you perhaps be more likely to respond with sarcasm, or by drawing attention to that person, as if to shame them? There are many factors that affect how we respond to things, but we should bear in mind that just because our anger is a natural response to an event, acting on that anger with rage or unkindness is a choice.

What if you feel anger all the time?

Again, remember that anger is a perfectly normal emotion to feel, so the presence of anger in your mind is not inherently a bad thing. That said, if you find yourself consistently dwelling in anger, or you find that anger is a regular emotional response, it might be worth considering why this might be the case.

• Try journalling. Writing can help you slow down and organise your thoughts. It could give you some perspective on the type of things that make you feel angry, and could isolate some of your triggers.

• Consider therapy. Excessive anger is linked to several mental health disorders, and a qualified mental health professional could assess you and give you medication or ways to cope with your emotions.

• Think about the actions you take that lead to your anger, and set actionable limitations. Are you watching the news all day long and simmering in anger as you do so? It's understandable to want to stay up to date on everything that's happening in the world (especially this year - oh 2020...), but maybe it would be better for your wellbeing to limit the amount of time you spend checking the news. Perhaps turning off all but breaking news notifications, or limiting yourself to checking it at certain times of day (maybe once in the morning and once in the evening). Do you find yourself seething with anger while scrolling on Twitter? Maybe it would be beneficial to limit the amount of time you spend there, perhaps by removing the app from your phone and using the desktop version only, or setting yourself allotted times to visit the site.

Coping with anger in others

If anger is indeed related to situational injustice, it makes a lot of sense that we all have different things that make us angry, simply because we each draw on different backgrounds and experiences and have our own parameters of rightness and wrongness. But we must be mindful of dismissing other people’s anger just because we don't feel it ourselves. If Person A is feeling angry because of a particular situation, and Person B dismisses the other person’s anger as unhelpful or deems the situation unworthy of anger, it's probably more likely to increase Person A's anger, as they're going to feel more alone in their fight against the perceived injustice. In this scenario, Person B has become an antagonist, even though they may have thought they were helping. They might have inadvertently even reinforced Person A’s anger, as by not sharing the anger, it may appear to Person A that Person B is taking the opposing side.

Communicating with someone who feels anger

So what could Person B do in this situation?

• They could employ mindful listening. That is, listening to Person A, without any judgment, without interruption, or discounting Person A's experience. Mindful listening also means paying attention fully. That is, not just letting Person A rant while Person B mentally plans their next grocery trip.

• Exercise empathy. That means Person B should not be internally criticising Person A, with things like "ugh, they complain so much" or "I don't know why they're so upset by this" or "I don't have time for this". Exercising empathy means listening fully. If Person B found their mind wandering to judgments or distractions while Person A is talking, they could bring their attention back and actively tune in again to what Person A is saying. This can help Person B more fully understand Person A's perspective and point of view.

• Practice mindful response. The appropriate response to anger will vary depending on the people and the situation, but a simple acknowledgment of Person A's pain, such as "that sounds really hard" or "I'm sorry that happened to you" could go a long way in showing support. Person B could ask questions, which could help Person A analyse their own situation and understand it with more context, which could in turn help them to either plan their next action or to accept things they are unable to change.

An additional note on dealing with other people’s anger: while an angry person isn’t necessarily abusive, an abuser in a relationship can often use anger and rage as means of controlling or manipulating the victim. In this situation, please know that none of the talking points here about mindful listening or considering the angry person’s perspective applies. If you are in an abusive relationship and need to seek help, click here for USA resources, click here for UK resources.

Anxiety in the Age of Coronavirus

It’s surreal and it’s terrifying. So how do we face the feelings that arise during a pandemic?

Know you’re not alone.

If you have a generalised anxiety disorder you might often feel like you’re alone when anxiety rears its head in your daily life. But whether you’re already no stranger to anxiety, or if you’re experiencing it for the first time in response to the coronavirus outbreak, you’re not alone. This is an unprecedented situation, and your feelings of anxiety are real and justified.

Allow yourself distance from the media.

Due to the worldwide nature of the outbreak, it seems like there are news updates every few minutes. And it’s tempting to keep checking constantly to keep updated. But if you’re finding yourself doing this, it could be a good idea to step back and put some rules in place:

• Limit yourself to checking the news once or twice a day. Set your notifications to send you alerts directly if something big happens, but otherwise don’t let yourself fall into a cycle of constantly refreshing.

• Be wary of any updates that could be false or speculative. Misinformation is spreading fast, especially through social media, so exercise caution when you see anyone posting something without a link to a reputable source.

Even if you’re social-distancing, maintain social activity.

Just because we’re all trying to stay home doesn’t mean we can’t still talk to our friends! Here are some ideas on how to be sociably unsocial:

• Text or call people you haven’t chatted to in a while to find out what they’ve been up to recently. Ask how they’re feeling.

• FaceTime or Skype with someone for a video-based coffee or dinner date.

• Co-ordinate a movie-watching evening where you all watch the same thing from your homes, and have a group text session afterward to talk about it.

• Make your own book club, where you all read a chapter a day.

• Pretend to be penpals. This one seems a bit silly when it’s so easy to text or send an email, but there is some old-world charm to sitting down with a pen and paper. You might find you enjoy an old-fashioned approach to staying in touch (even if you do have to send a photo of your letter via text, but we’ll just pretend to ignore that bit).

• Actually do some social stuff on your social media. Engage with your Facebook friends. Ask them a question, get a conversation going.

Set aside time for mindfulness meditation.

Whether you already have a regular mindfulness practice or you’re new to it, mindfulness can be a great way to notice what’s going on in your mind, or to help calm down the train of thought a little. In this post I described three different ways to approach meditation, including a seated meditation, mindful observation, and a visualisation technique.

• For a very simple mindfulness meditation, just sit few a few moments (setting a timer can be helpful, I recommend starting with 3 minutes) and notice your breath coming in and out. Your mind will probably wander, and that’s totally normal. Just gently bring your awareness back to your breathing any time your mind wanders.

Exercise.

During this time of self-isolation it might seem difficult to keep to a regular exercise schedule, but there are still ways you can keep active. And especially considering that anxiety can reduce your motivation to exercise, there’s all the more reason to try to maintain activity. If you’re not a regular exerciser but you feel the anxiety building up, even a single exercise session could help calm you down.

So what are some ways to be active while self-isolating?

• Over on the Plenteous Yoga YouTube channel, I have some gentle yoga practices that you could follow along with.

• Explore YouTube for a type of cardiovascular exercise that appeals to you. There are millions of videos out there, try something new!

• Put on a song and dance. It might sound a bit silly, but even just dancing around for a couple of minutes to your favourite song could help lift your mood as well as being good for your physical health.

• Get outside. Unless you live in a place with a hard curfew, most cities are still permitting citizens to be outside as long as it’s not a crowded area. So providing you could maintain a safe distance to others, you could go for a walk or a run, or drive to a local hiking spot and enjoy some nature time.

Focus on what you can do.

So much is happening outside of our control that it’s not hard to be overwhelmed by it all. But in these times when something huge is happening, it’s important to remember what small things we can do to help:

• Following the safety guidelines and practicing social distancing. It seems like such a simple thing, but this Washington Post article describes very effectively how maintaining distance from others can ‘flatten the curve’ to diminish the spread of the virus, to help protect others and reduce the impact on healthcare services.

• Donate to those less fortunate. During these city-wide lockdowns, lots of people will be without jobs and money. Donate to your local food bank to help people who might be suffering in your town or neighbourhood.

• Buy gift-cards for local businesses that have had to close during this time.

• Donate to your local animal shelter or see if they need any emergency foster homes for pets.

• Stream or buy music from your favourite independent bands, or donate to their Patreon accounts to support them while shows are cancelled.

• If you have elderly neighbours who might be especially hard hit by this virus, see if there’s a way to get in touch with them. It might be that you’ll have to hold up signs to each other through a window pane to avoid physical contact, but ask if they need any supplies or a cooked meal that you could leave on their doorstep.

• Be compassionate. People are scared, and we’re in uncharted territory. Tempers are quick to rise, and people are quick to panic. Try and be logical, reasonable, and compassionate.

This is new for all of us, so we’re all figuring out what to do and how best to cope with the emotions that go along with a worldwide event of this nature. But whatever happens, may we do our best to proceed with kindness and gratitude, with humility, fortitude and respect for all living beings.

Sending love to you in this time.

Applied Mindfulness: Balancing Self-Doubt with Reason

We all know that voice. The one that tells you you’ll never be successful, or beautiful, or thin, or creative, or married, or it tells you it’s not worth attempting something new because you’ll never be good at it anyway. So what do we do about it? Can we actually overcome self doubt, or do we just have to learn to live with it?

It’s time to get introspective, folks.

Step 1: Noticing the Voice of Self-Doubt

Noticing our own patterns is a difficult thing to do. For that reason, you might want to keep a little journal handy, or just keep notes in your phone. You could even team up with a friend and be each other’s accountability buddies, so whenever you say something that screams of self-doubt, you can point it out to each other.

The important thing is to start thinking critically about your own mindset, and the main point to understand here is that a lot of your thoughts happen habitually. You don’t actually have that much control over your thoughts. Humans are prone to thought patterns that become so deeply ingrained in us that we don’t notice them happening, which can lead to anxiety and depression, or can also be a cause of anxiety and depression.

So what kind of things can we actually start to notice?

Look out for subtle out-of-the-blue negative thoughts.

For example, if someone asks if you saw their email, and you did see it but didn’t realise there was something in it that you were supposed to reply to, are you likely to think “ugh, I’m so stupid”? If someone asks if you finished the book you borrowed from them, do you say “ugh I’m sorry, I’m such a slow reader”? These are the kind of small, seemingly inconsequential things that can really add up. When you feel/hear yourself thinking/saying these things, take note. Write it down. Note what happened, and note what your response was.

Does giving someone else a compliment make you feel worse about yourself? Look out for sneaky never-thoughts.

If you’re out with a friend and they try on a great outfit, do you say “that looks great on you! But it would never look that good on me…” Or how about if a friend gets a new partner, do you think “I’m glad they’re happy. But I’ll never be that happy because nobody wants to date me…” Or if a friend achieves something in their career, do you say “I’m so proud of you. I’ll never have a good career like you do…”

This kind of never-thinking is damaging and downright unproductive. The things that other people have or achieve actually has nothing to do with what you have or achieve. Notice if you’re using your perception of other people’s successes to feed your inner negativity. Everyone is on their own path, and it’s not helpful to compare your path with theirs.

Take note of your negative rumination.

This one is really hard, because when we’re stuck in an unhappy situation, it’s almost always easier to stay in the same place than to try and go somewhere else. But if you find yourself constantly thinking about all the things that are making life difficult, it’s worth examining those patterns. Do you get swallowed into a spiral of negativity? Try writing it all down and see if there are any patterns. “I hate where I live, but I can’t go anywhere else because my job is here.” “I hate my job, but I can’t get another one because I don’t have any other skills.” “I’m so lonely, but I don’t have time to see my friends because when I get home from work I just want to relax.” Often these thoughts follow a pattern: first there’s a statement of displeasure, followed by some kind of ‘justification’ (note: I say ‘justification’ like that because it’s not a real justification, it’s one crafted by the voice of self-doubt, not the voice of reason, which brings us to Step 2…)

Step 2: Making Friends With the Voice of Reason

Once you’ve started to identify your negative thoughts, it’s time to examine them a little closer, and to work out if it’s the voice of self-doubt or the voice of reason that is doing most of the talking.

But first, it’s important to recognise that self-doubt comes from a real place, based on all of your previous thoughts, patterns and experiences. Your self-doubt was partially learned from the behaviours and actions of all your friends and family. Your self-doubt was influenced by things you didn’t even know you were influenced by: media, advertising, music, film, magazines, etc. Your self-doubt also has a basis in your biology, your physiology, your psychology. Your self-doubt has a rich history, just like the rest of you does. On the other hand, reason is something that develops slower over time, based on real, factual experiences. The voice of reason is logical, based on empirical truths and real-time influences; the voice of self-doubt tends to be based on speculation and emotion.

I’m not saying that self-doubt doesn’t ever have a place. But when your self-doubt holds you back, that’s probably a sign that it’s gone too far.

So how do we actually invoke the voice of reason?

Take a look at one of your negative thoughts. For example, the subtle “I’m so stupid” from before. Let’s say you did mis-read that email. Does that actually mean that you are stupid? Or is it more likely to mean that you were tired when you read the email? Or that you picked up your phone while watching a TV show, glanced at the email and then looked away because something exciting was happening in the show, and you were simply distracted? Or maybe you did fully read the email and you simply forgot to reply? Does that really make you stupid? Or does it mean that you just forgot something, like all humans do sometimes? If your friend forgot to reply to an email from you, would you tell them “you are so stupid”?

If you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, why would you say it to yourself?

Let’s look at one of the other previous examples: “I hate my job, but I can’t get a different one because I have no other skills.” So in this statement, what would it actually take to get a different job? If it really is just a matter of skills, skills can always be learned. Maybe there’s an online course you could do, or books you can take out from your local library. Maybe there’s a local college course to get you started. Maybe it’s something you could do freelance to build up a portfolio. Or maybe you don’t really know what you want to do, you just know you hate your current job. That’s fair, but let’s apply some logical thinking to the negative statement of “I hate my job.” What, specifically, do you hate about it, and is there something you can do about those specific things? Note: just saying “everything” here doesn’t work. Be specific. Do you really hate everything about the job? Then write down everything you can think of, point-by-point. Maybe you hate the way your workplace is run - if that’s the case, is there someone you can talk/complain to within the company to express dissatisfaction? Can you ask for more responsibility so that you have more of a say in how things happen? Or can you ask for less responsibility so you don’t have to worry about it so much?

Let your rumination powers really mull over each of the statements, but remember to do it with reason. Let yourself think curiously and creatively, think about the what-ifs and the maybes, but do it step-by-step, considering the facts and the truths of the real-life situation.

Step 3: Letting Go of Self-Doubt When it Doesn’t Help You

Working through self-doubt is not easy. It’s not a direct path to enlightenment or happiness, and noticing all your negative thoughts won’t just make all the painful and difficult things in your life go away. But in approaching self-doubt with a sense of mindfulness, we can learn about the way our minds work, and we can investigate what we each individually need in order to heal and grow.

Sometimes, self-doubt is useful. It comes from the same place that gives you a feeling of “hmm, maybe this isn’t a good idea” when you see a truck coming and you’re not sure if you quite have enough time to dash across the road. In that sort of situation, it’s trying to protect you. But sometimes our inner voice of self-doubt just gets a bit too big for its own boots, and it takes over our lives, holds us back, keeps us in a holding pattern of negative thoughts, and makes us afraid to make changes to move away from it.

By noticing our patterns, breaking them down into actionable points and approaching them with logic, reason, and kindness, then we can start to make positive changes in our own lives and beyond.

Important note: if you feel chronic helplessness, sadness and self-doubt, please consider finding a therapist to talk to. Find a therapist in the USA; Find a therapist in the UK; Click here to view the International Therapist Directory.

Can You Be Mindful While Using Your Phone?

We use our phones for everything these days. To keep in touch with old friends, to make new friends, to find a place for dinner, to show people pictures of our dinner, to tell us how to get places, and very occasionally to actually speak to people on the phone.

I’ll spare you any of the scary data around the health risks of phones (here’s a link to a rundown of some associated risks in case you’re interested), because let’s just jump right to the chase - many of us already know the phone isn’t really helping us as much as we’d like to think. So here are a few thoughts regarding our phone usage, and some ways in which we can try and be more mindful while using them.

Are you actually connecting with the content you’re seeing?

Think about the most recent time you used your phone (and if you’re reading this on a phone, think about what you were doing on the phone right before you came to this page). Do you remember what you saw? Can you think of what images you Liked? Do you remember who posted them? If you were browsing websites, did you read full articles or did you skim? Do you remember what they were about? If you don’t remember these things, chances are you’re not actually engaging with the things you’re seeing.

Tip: Slow down! Avoid the urge to scroll or click away. Actually look at the things you’re seeing, don’t let them be just another thing that you glance at and then move on from. Try and refrain from the superspeed Like - do you actually like that thing? Does it actually promote a positive feeling in you? If it does, then great! If it doesn’t, then move on. Pay attention to who is posting things. Does Person X post a lot of things that you genuinely feel positively about? That’s good! Sounds like a good person to be following. Does Person Z post a lot of things that you don’t feel anything about, or, even worse, that you feel negatively about? Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate if it’s worth following that person.

How do you feel when you use your phone?

Do you feel bored? Do you feel entertained? Do you feel bad? Do you feel good? Do you feel unfulfilled? Do you feel tired? Do you feel in physical pain? Do you feel… nothing?

Really consider how the phone makes you feel. Sometimes the things we see on the phone can distract us enough from real life into thinking we’re involved in something social and exciting, but is it true? If you’re a casual phone user you actually might enjoy using your phone, but in the case of phone addiction, it’s not really about the phone making us feel good. In fact, it probably isn’t about feeling at all, it’s just about doing it. You get to a point where you don’t know why you’re doing it, but there you are, picking up the phone again.

Tip: Employ some mindfulness to fully notice the feelings that arise when you find yourself reaching for your phone. Do you actually have a reason to pick it up? Do you actually want to pick it up? If the answer is no, take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Examine the urge and breathe through it. Maybe after you give yourself a moment to thoughtfully question your desire, you might decide you can do without it right now and instead engage in a different activity. Alternatively, if you still want to act on the urge, you can decide to, but at least you will have done so thoughtfully and mindfully.

Where does phone usage fit into your daily life?

Is your phone also your alarm clock, your news source, your navigation, your source of all knowledge, your source of entertainment, your camera, your music player? It’s so amazing that we have these devices that can do so much, but it’s worth asking if maybe it’s just a little much?

Ask yourself if your phone is where you go to get away from what’s happening in real life. On your lunch break at work, are you scrolling while you’re eating your food? While you’re waiting at a red traffic light, do you switch from your GPS app to check your email or your instagram? When you’re at a restaurant with a friend, do you get out your phone the second your friend gets up to use the toilet?

Tip: Is there a different activity that you’d like to do but you feel like you don’t have time for? What if you substituted a portion of your phone time for a new hobby? For example, you’ve been aiming to exercise more, instead of spending those 10 minutes looking at Facebook, you could use that time to go for a little walk, or do some lunges, or some gentle yoga. Maybe you’ve been wanting to learn a new language, so if that’s the case you could get a foreign language book and learn a few new words and phrases. If you tend to use your phone until you fall asleep, you could try reading a book or magazine instead - just make sure to keep the book right there by your bedside so it’s nice and easy to reach.

Do you want to try breaking away from phone dependence?

Sometimes, even if when engaging in a real-life activity, the phone can be enough to pull us out of the moment. Think of things you use the phone for, and consider if there’s a real-life version of it you can fully enjoy. Even if you do fully engage with a particular app, simply just having the phone there might be enough to lead you astray. For example, maybe you love using a recipe app, but if having the phone there in the kitchen means you close out the app every time you’re done chopping, or while your pot is simmering gently for five minutes, maybe you’re better off putting the phone aside and using an actual book.

Tip: Do a phone purge in the name of self-care! If there are apps you don’t use, delete them. Go through the accounts you follow on social media and unfollow any that you find unnecessary. If you find yourself constantly distracted by pop-up notifications, turn off notifications. If you tend to start your day by picking up your phone and scrolling until it’s time to get up and rush out the door, choose a different morning schedule - your ideal morning schedule, one that you feel would truly set you up well for your day - and actually write it out on paper and leave that paper by the side of your bed so you can see it when you wake up.

Everyday Mindfulness: 3 Techniques To Start Your Practice

We all know that mindfulness and meditation is good for us, but probably the biggest question that people have about meditation is: how do you actually do it?! Well, it’s a big question, with many possible answers, but in this article I’ll tell you about three different approaches you could take to get started on your mindfulness journey.

Mindfulness isn’t really something you “do”, it’s a specific kind of awareness that you can cultivate. You don’t necessarily have to do a sitting meditation in order to be mindful, and nor do you have to be sitting at all! You can do it anywhere, any time, no matter who you are. If you’re new to mindfulness, give these a try and see how you feel; some people prefer particular methods over others, and other people like to bounce between different methods and keep their mindfulness practice varied. Remember - your mindfulness practice is unique to you. There’s no doing it right or doing it wrong, there is only doing it!

Regardless of which technique you choose, your mind will always wander. That’s what it does. Mindfulness is simply about noticing when your mind gets away from you, and bringing it back. If it wanders twice, bring it back twice; you are still being mindful. If it wanders a thousand times, bring it back a thousand times; you are still being mindful. One more time, I repeat: your mind will wander.

You cannot fail at meditation.

And one more note before you get started - don’t feel like you need to try meditating for a long time, or for an undefined amount of time. You can start at 1 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes, anything that works for you. Feel free to use a timer if that helps. You could just use your phone timer if that’s easiest. Personally I like the Insight Timer app because it has very pleasant bell tones to ease you into and out of your allotted time.

1. Sitting Meditation

The classic. This is probably what you think of when you imagine someone meditating.

• Take your seat. As long as you’re relatively comfortable and reasonably alert, you can sit anywhere and in any position.

• Bring your awareness to your physical body. Notice the urges to fidget. It’s natural to want to keep fidgeting, but unless you feel actual pain, let yourself notice any discomfort you feel. Notice any itches you feel. Notice if it feels like you’re holding tension somewhere.

• Notice your judgments. Are you judging your sensations in manners such as “my shoulders are tense, probably because I had to work late yesterday and I was hunching over the computer”, or “my back hurts because I had a terrible night of sleep”. Let go of those judgements. For this moment, it doesn’t matter why your sensations are, it just matters if they are.

• Become aware of how you are labelling your sensations. Are you labelling things you feel as “pain” or “tension” or “itch”? See if you can let go of calling it that and just take a look at the sensation.

• Bring your awareness to your breath, without trying to control it in any way. Just notice it, coming in and out, all by itself.

• Keep your awareness on your breath. There are four parts to the breath: the inhale, the “peak” retention of the inhalation, the exhale, and the “valley”, the space where the exhale has occurred and there is a moment of relaxation before the next inhale. The peak and the valley are typically shorter than the inhale and the exhale. Notice the four parts of the breath.

• Notice when your mind wanders. Your mind will wander! It’s normal and natural. The act of mindfulness isn’t about having a blank mind, because a blank mind is impossible for a living human. Simply notice that your mind has wandered, and bring your attention back to your breath, with no judgments. Judgments here would include “my mind wandered, therefore I have failed at meditating” or “my mind wandered, therefore I’ll never find peace”, “I can’t focus on my breath, therefore mindfulness isn’t right for me”. 

Tip: Try this on your public transport commute. Just take a few moments to expand your awareness to notice the things you hear, feel, and smell. Then bring your awareness inward. Can you notice your breath even while the hustle and bustle of life happens around you? Can you resist the urge to distract yourself with your phone for a few minutes, and just sit with the sensation of being?

2. Mindful Observation

 If you’re more of a tactile person and the thought of sitting quietly with your eyes closed makes you want to cry with boredom, you’re not alone. Objects have been used in traditional types of meditation for a long time, for example observing a candle, or saying a prayer or mantra with each bead on a string. In the spirit of making these tips as accessible as possible, though, my suggestion for this is to choose a really mundane object and use that as your focus. For example: an apple, a pencil, a mug, a remote control (as long as the TV is off). Don’t use anything you might be tempted to interact with intellectually, like your phone or a book. Choose an item that is passive, that you don’t often spend much time looking at.

• When you’ve chosen your object, set it down on a surface in front of you. For the purposes here, I’ll use an apple as an example.

• Let your awareness come to the apple. Ignore the fact that it is “an apple” and simply observe the fact that “it is”.

• Notice other thoughts that come into your mind. Your mind will wander, it will want you to stop looking at the apple. Just come back to the apple.

• Avoid making lists of attributes. Your instinct might be to describe the apple, mentally thinking “round, red, shiny, smooth”. Your mind might also take you to descriptions like “juicy, sweet”. But remember that these are judgments. The apple might be juicy and sweet, but in this moment, you are not tasting it. You cannot observe the fact that it is juicy and sweet. Allow yourself to let go of those judgements. You’re simply looking at it. Allow yourself to let go of the things you cannot know, they are distractions and they are keeping you from fully observing this moment.

• Take the apple into your hands. If you’d like to, you can close your eyes and let your hands do the observing from here. If you’d prefer to keep your eyes open, that’s fine too. There is no right or wrong.

• Touch the apple, rotate it in your hands, run your fingertips over its surfaces and its textures. Notice your natural desire to label descriptions of what you feel. Your instinct may be to make mental notes like “this part is rough”, “this part is smooth”. Notice when those descriptions come up in your mind and then see if you can let them go. Imagine you don’t know what “rough” or “smooth” mean, and simply experience the physical sensation.

Tip: take a mindful time-out at your desk by doing this for a few minutes with any mundane object you might have.

3. The Cloud Method.

Some people don’t like visualisation techniques, but I find they can be helpful, especially if you find the idea of meditation too abstract. This is a visual adaptation of the classic mindful awareness technique as described in the Sitting Meditation section above.

• It is recommended to do this sitting down, somewhere you can be comfortable but alert.

• Bring your attention to your posture, and notice if you’re holding any tension or have any discomfort. Unless you’re in pain, see if you can sit with the discomfort, and simply observe it.

• After a few moments of observing your posture, move your awareness to your breath as it flows in and out. You don’t need to change your natural breath pattern, just notice however it moves on every inhale and exhale. Notice how your body expands and releases with each breath.

• If your eyes are still open, let them close, and imagine a clear blue sky.

• You have some flexibility in where the visualisation goes from here: if you like being outside in warm weather, imagine yourself outside, bathing in the warm sunlight. If you’re more a fan of colder weather, you could imagine yourself enjoying a crisp breeze. Maybe you’d prefer to be inside but looking out a window. You’re in charge of the setting here, and you control the thermostat, so you can choose your own parameters.

• Bring your awareness to your sky.

• Simply gaze into the blue, without any judgement.

• Your mind will start to wander. This is totally normal and a natural part of the mindfulness process.

• When you notice your mind wandering, put a cloud in your sky. If it’s just a little thought, maybe something like “what will I have for lunch?” You could make it a fluffy little cloud. But let it float into your sky, and look at it. Acknowledge that the cloud arose. And then on your next exhale, blow it gently out of your sky. You could even do the cloud-moving exhale through your mouth if you’d like. If a scary or negative thought comes into your head, maybe consider that a big grey rainy cloud. Let it be there, for a moment. Acknowledge it. See it. The thought is a part of your mind and it arose for a reason. But you don’t need it right now, so it’s time to let it fly away. Take your inhale, and then exhale it out of your sky.

• Remember that your sky will never be fully cloud-free. Clouds come and go. But this particular sky is yours, and you choose when to blow the clouds away.

Tip: Many people enjoy a visualisation-based meditation because they find it more tangible technique to grasp. You could give this a try when you’re feeling overwhelmed by your thoughts. If you’re overwhelmed, you could even use it as a way of breaking down your thoughts into more approachable “clouds”. Visualise your sky, and then notice the thoughts when they come up. Let the cloud linger in your sky a moment and just sit with it. Then when you’re ready to move it, blow it away and see which one comes up next.

A Mindful Approach to the New Year

Here we are again, friends. Here we find ourselves in that magical time of year where we dip our toes into the river of existentialism with questions like “where did the time go?” “how is it 2019 already?” “what have I achieved this year?” and “how can I change my life for the better?”

There’s always such a sense of optimism at this time of year. We all start thinking of the things we finally want to do, places we’re finally going to visit, changes we’re finally going to make. All the magazines start advertising their latest low-calorie diet plans, with headlines like “NEW YEAR, NEW YOU!” and “6 MONTH EXERCISE PLAN TO GET THAT BIKINI BODY READY FOR SUMMER”. Somewhere in the world, a legion of gym owners are rubbing their hands together at the thought of all the cash they’re about to get from January sign-ups.

But here’s the thing. We all know how this goes. A New Year’s resolution is like crash diet: it works at first because you’re the most motivated at the start, but it’s unsustainable because we give ourselves too many goals, with too-high stakes. And most fundamentally, in my opinion - the New-Year mindset is unhelpful because it puts goal-making into a conditional state.

What I mean by this, is that the goal is only there because it’s New Year’s. So it’s all very well and good to be motivated at the beginning of the year, but what about when March comes? What about when the New Year has passed and we’re saying “how is it already March?”. And even worse, we’re all so accustomed to beating ourselves up that we almost thrive on failing our New Year’s resolutions. Because then we can say things like “typical, I can never stick to my exercise goals” or “I’ll never find a new job” or “I’ll never learn that language”. It reinforces the negative beliefs we hold of ourselves.

So here are some ideas of how to approach your New Year with a little mindfulness:

Be realistic.

Take a look at everything you have right now. Consider your home, your friends, your partner, you job, your hobbies, your finances, your possessions, your health, your habits… everything. Now think about your goals. If your New Year goals involve making changes to a lot of things, it might be a good time to re-evaluate. You are deeply woven into the fabric of your life, and making a lot of big changes is probably not realistic. Maybe pick one change to make and then follow that thread: how will those changes affect the rest of your life? Will you be able to make changes to that thread without dismantling all the others? Do what’s right for you, at this moment. Keep your goals attainable and healthy.

Break it down.

You do not have to make a huge change overnight. If your goal is to run a marathon, you can’t wake up on January 1st and run ten miles. You’re going to hurt yourself and then suffer the consequences. Habits form slowly, and with time. Take it slow, let yourself learn from the process, and allow yourself the freedom to deviate from the plan, if that’s what’s right for you in the moment.

Do it now.

If you’re waiting until January 1st to start your new habit, ask yourself if you’re really motivated to make this change. Or, ask yourself if you’re actually just setting yourself up for failure. Because if you are stuck in a cycle of too-big-goals followed by beating yourself up when you fail, do yourself a favour and don’t even let yourself start. It might be healthier to avoid trying to make a change than to give yourself a massive goal that you know you can’t achieve, especially if you’re naturally inclined toward self-deprecation. However, if you feel that you truly are motivated to make the change and you feel inspired, let your inspiration be the condition on which to make that change. Don’t let January 1st be your condition. If your goal is genuine, you can start right now. Because, sure, when January 1st comes, that’ll be your ‘right now’. But when January 1st passes, your ‘right now’ will be different. And if you’re always waiting for your ‘right now’, you’ll be waiting forever. Your right now is already here.

Be kind.

Bad things happen. They just have to. There’s no way to avoid it. We can always do our best, but sometimes things happen outside of our control. There will be moments in 2019 that will make us sad or angry. We will suffer, because suffering is just a part of life. But we can be kind, to ourselves and each other, so that when suffering occurs, we can heal and continue on, so that we can be present for the things that are good and joyful.