The Realities of Failure and Success

Have you ever felt like a failure for stopping an activity or hobby? Many of us can probably relate to the feeling of freshness that a new hobby brings to our life. When something is so new and exciting and fun and it’s all you want to be doing. Maybe it’s playing a new instrument, learning a new language, or doing a fitness routine. Maybe you once took up baking and bought all the recipe books and special tools and invested hours into watching YouTubers make sourdough, then you made a few loaves and promptly left your baking days behind.

It’s those moments when we remember that we left an activity behind that often send us into a spiral of self-judgment. The “ugh, this is why I’ll never be really good at anything”, or the “what a waste of money, I’m so bad at spending wisely” or the classic “another failure, all I do is fail”.

When failure is the only thing you do consistently.

It can sometimes feel like the only consistent activity you do is fail to keep up with what you wish you were doing. But it’s that word again, isn’t it? Failure. It’s become such a recurring part of our personal narrative. We’ve failed if we don’t achieve our ultimate dream job. We’ve failed if we’re not as beautiful or as slim as so-and-so. We’ve failed if we were trying to eat healthier and then ate a doughnut. We’ve failed if we were trying to meditate every day and then forgot about it for a week.

So why do we think like this? Why are we forcing ourselves to try and fit into a mould of absolutes?

Failure has taken on a new meaning.

Literally, failure means “lack of success”. To which you might think “exactly, I’m not successful, therefore I’m a failure”. To which I ask - what difference does it make?

Let’s think on a macro level for a moment, as broadly as we can. Why would the average person think that they - in general - are not “successful”? What does “successful” even look like? Someone who’s rich? Or famous? Or in really great shape? Or won a Pulitzer? It’s probably going to mean something different to everyone, but there are also these very broad ideas that have become so pervasive that even if we might not be thinking them directly, they are still in our consciousness as some standard to which we have to hold ourselves.

And sometimes, the answer to “why aren’t you successful?” is simply “because I’m too much of a failure to ever be successful”. So we can’t be successful because we’re a failure, and we always fail because we’re not successful enough not to fail. Yikes.

How do we achieve success in a world of failure?

There are probably thousands of business and personal development books that would disagree with me on this, but my theory is that in order to stop failing, the main thing we can try and do is stop thinking about failure. Because really, what we tend to do is look at micro things under a weirdly macro lens. So you ate a doughnut - what difference does it make? Why would a goal of “eat healthier” have a finite time period within your life that begins with an ultimatum and ends with a doughnut? If your goal was “learn Japanese” and then you were on a great streak where you learned some vocabulary every day for a couple of weeks and then stopped for a little while, what difference does it make? Does that little while of not learning new words undo all the words you learned before that? Does it prevent you from learning a new word today? Or tomorrow? Or the next day?

The case may be that you dove into a new hobby or activity and then after a while it was just hard to enjoy it as much as you did at the beginning, or something else in your life changed and the new hobby just didn’t fit as well with your new obligations. Maybe you’ll come back to it someday. Maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ve decided it’s not worth the time/effort/money/etc right now, in which case maybe you want to just sell or donate your new hobby accoutrements, or put them at the back of the closet for another time. Either way - that’s not failure. That’s just things changing. That’s life.

A lot of our ideas about success and failure are ingrained from a young age, and we got used to applying these terms to situations that simply don’t warrant them. And we might just be better off eschewing them completely. “Success” as a broad term just isn’t a viable goal because it means something different depending on every context.

It’s not a failure, it’s an opportunity for growth.

Life is complicated, and it’s only ever getting more complicated. But every activity we do has the potential to enrich us in some way - even if partaking in that activity the only insight you gain is “I hate this activity”, that’s still an insight. That’s still something you learned. It’s still a new item that you added to your already long list of life experiences.

We’re not all in as much competition as it appears. While there can be value in competition under certain circumstances, it’s both unhealthy and unhelpful to create competition where there is none, particularly when it causes us to create abstract ideas of what winning would look like. If our idea of success is some outlandish ideal that we created in our minds, how do we ever expect to achieve it? Sadly, sometimes we don’t, and we’re subconsciously setting ourselves up for failure. Which again shows that we’re forcing these labels of success and failure into situations in which they really have no business. It’s just what we’re used to doing. At best it’s a habit and at worst it’s an addiction that leads us into dark cycles of judgment and self criticism, based entirely outside the realms of logic and rationality.

In the game of success, maybe the real secret isn’t about how to win. Maybe the real value is in refusing to play at all.

Developing a meaningful and mindful relationship with anger

We all know what it’s like to be angry. And these days, where it can feel like we’re online and consuming media constantly, anger seems to be a difficult emotion to avoid. One professor at the University of California at Irvine even said that Americans are currently living in “an anger incubator”. Yikes.

But mindfulness is about letting go of those angry vibes and spreading love and light, right? Not quite. The important thing to consider right away is that anger is a normal and natural response. While psychologists have apparently debated the exact number of “basic emotions” (different sources state there are between four and eight), the one common thread is that all theories include anger as a basic emotion.

While anger is often an unpleasant feeling, it would be unfair to it as an emotion to consider it negative. Researchers consider it be a valuable tool both from an evolutionary standpoint (for example, as a response to a predator), and also in maintaining societal order.

So if it’s a naturally occurring emotion, then how much influence do we really have over it? How do we pinpoint more accurately what it actually is, so that we can learn how better to deal with it? One potentially helpful theory distinguishes anger, revenge, and hate by saying that anger is a result of a situation (particularly an unjust one) whereas the wish to exact revenge is a result of wanting to re-establish a sense of the self, and hatred is typically directed toward a person or group, or another external object or thing.

Anger may be normal, but it might not always be helpful

So we know that anger can be helpful, but that doesn’t mean it always is. (Also, "unhelpful" is probably only safe to use when describing your own anger. It's not advised to outwardly judge someone else's anger as unhelpful, or to tell someone to just 'let it go'.)

Deciding to let go of anger could be a decision you make for yourself, especially if you're dwelling in anger a lot or you feel it's holding you back. So how do you know if it's something you should let go or if you can use it? That's going to take a little pondering on your part, but let's consider some ideas:

What happened that made you feel anger?

Anger often occurs when we hit an obstacle. Maybe you've had a tough day at work, and you're so close to being home but when you quickly pop into the supermarket to grab a treat, someone cuts in front of you in the queue. Or maybe you've been interviewed for your dream job, and you really thought it was going to be yours but then you found out it was offered to someone at your old job who you never really got on with.

Those seem like very different scales of situation, but the resulting anger could be the same. In these cases it's important to remember that your emotional response can vary wildly from day to day, based on all the other things happening in your life. If you're having a good day, someone skipping ahead of you in line at the supermarket could be brushed off without a second thought. So the first way we can mindfully consider our anger is by asking ourselves: is this level of anger* an appropriate response? Is this worth my anger?

*’level of anger' is something that is very personal. You might only feel a light anger or a gnawing frustration, but anger could also manifest as a deep seething where your pulse rate increases and your breathing changes.

The answer might just be a simple "no". It might not be worth the anger if your anger cannot lead to a righting of the wrong. You could speak up, and say "excuse me, but I was next in the queue." That person might have been so caught up in their own life and their own situation that maybe they didn't even see you there, in which case maybe they'll apologise and join the queue behind you. But maybe it doesn't matter to you that much, maybe you're not in a hurry and the time it will take for the cashier to serve that extra customer isn't worth the energy and emotion of you engaging with someone about it.

Either way, you can't control the fact that anger arose in you. As established earlier, the feeling of anger is a normal and natural response.

When anger is appropriate

So what about those situations where the answer is "yes"? Those moments where your anger is definitely an appropriate response to an unjust situation. Well, you still have some decisions to make:

• What can you do with the anger?

  Can you use it to create change? Even if it's an almost imperceivable change, would it make you feel better to attempt to contribute to a just cause? These are the things we can consider in large-scale injustices, like racism, social issues, cruelty to animals, climate change, etc. In these cases, it can be hard to feel like we have any power to make changes, but we can remind ourselves that perhaps any contribution is better than none at all, and at the very least, altruism could help our overall wellbeing

• How can you take responsibility for your anger?

  If you feel that your anger is appropriate and you feel compelled to act on it, how can that be done reasonably? Let’s take our previous example of being in the queue at the supermarket and that person who cuts in front of you. If you’re thinking about this scenario while you’re not actually living it, you might think that you’d politely point out to the person that you were next. But is it likely that you’d be able to keep that much composure? Or would you perhaps be more likely to respond with sarcasm, or by drawing attention to that person, as if to shame them? There are many factors that affect how we respond to things, but we should bear in mind that just because our anger is a natural response to an event, acting on that anger with rage or unkindness is a choice.

What if you feel anger all the time?

Again, remember that anger is a perfectly normal emotion to feel, so the presence of anger in your mind is not inherently a bad thing. That said, if you find yourself consistently dwelling in anger, or you find that anger is a regular emotional response, it might be worth considering why this might be the case.

• Try journalling. Writing can help you slow down and organise your thoughts. It could give you some perspective on the type of things that make you feel angry, and could isolate some of your triggers.

• Consider therapy. Excessive anger is linked to several mental health disorders, and a qualified mental health professional could assess you and give you medication or ways to cope with your emotions.

• Think about the actions you take that lead to your anger, and set actionable limitations. Are you watching the news all day long and simmering in anger as you do so? It's understandable to want to stay up to date on everything that's happening in the world (especially this year - oh 2020...), but maybe it would be better for your wellbeing to limit the amount of time you spend checking the news. Perhaps turning off all but breaking news notifications, or limiting yourself to checking it at certain times of day (maybe once in the morning and once in the evening). Do you find yourself seething with anger while scrolling on Twitter? Maybe it would be beneficial to limit the amount of time you spend there, perhaps by removing the app from your phone and using the desktop version only, or setting yourself allotted times to visit the site.

Coping with anger in others

If anger is indeed related to situational injustice, it makes a lot of sense that we all have different things that make us angry, simply because we each draw on different backgrounds and experiences and have our own parameters of rightness and wrongness. But we must be mindful of dismissing other people’s anger just because we don't feel it ourselves. If Person A is feeling angry because of a particular situation, and Person B dismisses the other person’s anger as unhelpful or deems the situation unworthy of anger, it's probably more likely to increase Person A's anger, as they're going to feel more alone in their fight against the perceived injustice. In this scenario, Person B has become an antagonist, even though they may have thought they were helping. They might have inadvertently even reinforced Person A’s anger, as by not sharing the anger, it may appear to Person A that Person B is taking the opposing side.

Communicating with someone who feels anger

So what could Person B do in this situation?

• They could employ mindful listening. That is, listening to Person A, without any judgment, without interruption, or discounting Person A's experience. Mindful listening also means paying attention fully. That is, not just letting Person A rant while Person B mentally plans their next grocery trip.

• Exercise empathy. That means Person B should not be internally criticising Person A, with things like "ugh, they complain so much" or "I don't know why they're so upset by this" or "I don't have time for this". Exercising empathy means listening fully. If Person B found their mind wandering to judgments or distractions while Person A is talking, they could bring their attention back and actively tune in again to what Person A is saying. This can help Person B more fully understand Person A's perspective and point of view.

• Practice mindful response. The appropriate response to anger will vary depending on the people and the situation, but a simple acknowledgment of Person A's pain, such as "that sounds really hard" or "I'm sorry that happened to you" could go a long way in showing support. Person B could ask questions, which could help Person A analyse their own situation and understand it with more context, which could in turn help them to either plan their next action or to accept things they are unable to change.

An additional note on dealing with other people’s anger: while an angry person isn’t necessarily abusive, an abuser in a relationship can often use anger and rage as means of controlling or manipulating the victim. In this situation, please know that none of the talking points here about mindful listening or considering the angry person’s perspective applies. If you are in an abusive relationship and need to seek help, click here for USA resources, click here for UK resources.

Mindful eating

Eating probably isn’t something you consider when you think about mindfulness, but it’s actually a really interesting and effective way to practice mindfulness in your everyday life. How many times do you find yourself eating as a secondary activity? For example, eating dinner while watching TV, or eating your breakfast in the car on the way to work, or quickly munching on snacks while you’re walking around? When was the last time you let your food be a primary focus?

It can be a really thoughtful experience to try mindful eating just once. Many mindfulness courses suggest doing this exercise with a single raisin, so you could try that. Otherwise, I recommend giving it a go with anything you’re about to eat today: maybe that apple you’re saving for your afternoon snack, or even a whole meal if you like! The choice is yours, but do make sure you can be somewhere comfortable, where you can be free from distraction.

Take as long as you like for each instruction, there's no time limit on this.

We’ll start with sensory exploration. First, simply look at the food.

Notice any feelings that come up. Some people will find themselves automatically considering the calorie/fat/carb content of the food. Some people will find an overwhelming urge to eat it quickly. Notice the shape, size, colour. Notice any marks or lines.

If it’s applicable to the item you’ve chosen, take it into your hand. Notice how it feels. Notice how light or heavy it is. Run your fingers over it, and notice any textures, smooth or rough or maybe both.

Bring it to your nose and see how it smells. Notice if it smells sweet or spicy and fragrant or something else entirely. Notice how your body reacts, if smelling the food makes you more hungry or increases your desire to eat.

And when you’re ready, take a bite, but don’t chew at first. Just notice how the food feels on your tongue, notice the first flavours that you taste. Notice any feelings that arise upon this first taste.

And eventually start to chew, but chew as slowly as you possibly can. Notice any urges to chew quicker, or to bring the next bite closer to your mouth before you’ve swallowed this bite. When you do swallow, try and stay with that entire bite before taking the next one. Notice the physical sensations involved in swallowing, from your mouth, to your throat, to your belly. Leave some extra time before you take the next bite.

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It’s not practical to do this exercise with every single thing that you eat, but it’s really worth doing at least once. Especially these days when it seems everyone is so busy and eating on-the-go, it becomes very easy to get disconnected from our food. But the fact is, farmers and food producers all around the world worked to grow or make the food we eat. It travels on trucks, planes, and ships, is handled by potentially hundreds of people who work to get it into shops and markets so that we can purchase it. But when you take all of that away, what's left is the essence of food: nourishment. We all have to eat, because food gives us the nourishment and energy that we need just to be alive. But when food becomes secondary to other things, we can end up denying ourselves the enjoyment of eating, and we can forget about the innate enrichment we get from our food.

When we apply mindfulness to the process of eating, we allow ourselves to take a little break from the stress and madness of life, and get back to basics.

All or Nothing

It's not a concept we really think about too much, but we're actually pretty obsessed with it. We feel like we can't be a healthy person unless we're working out every day with muscles bulging out in every direction. Or the second we eat a cookie, the diet is blown so we might as well just eat a massive plate of fries and settle back into routine with our old friends Guilt and Self-Loathing.

Something that has become clear from talking with you guys about mindfulness is that people have a tendency to apply the all-or-nothing thinking to mindfulness too. I've heard "I don't have time to sit down and meditate every day, so I don't think I can be a mindful person" and "I tried to practice mindfulness every day but then I forgot and feel guilty for failing."

So I'd like to address these.

Firstly, I'd just recommend forgetting about the label "mindful person". Becoming a "mindful person" is not a goal. Mindfulness is not a permanent state of being. Mindfulness is simply a concept that you can apply to your life in different ways. And secondly, you don't have to sit down for a formal meditation every day to be mindful. As you'll see in the Breathing Space meditation I posted, I recommend just doing that one for three minutes. But coming up I have some posts about how to use mindfulness in other ways, outside of a sitting meditation.

As for the guilt of not practicing every day, I think a good step is just being mindful of that guilt. In many cases, it's the same guilt that we feel when we have a plan to exercise every day but then skip a day. Or if we're trying to be really healthy and then give in to a slice of cake. Or if we're trying to learn a language and then fall out of it after two weeks.

I'm not saying it's easy to not feel guilty. Guilt is habitual. It's ingrained. But it's worth being mindful of; it's worth noticing when you feel it. Then you can ask yourself: "how is it serving me to feel guilty about this?" "is it beneficial to punish myself?" "does this guilt/punishment/loathing help me do better next time?" "does it help me address my goals?" "do these negative feelings inspire me to make improvements in my life?"

We can't simply ignore the negative things we feel about ourselves, but we CAN be mindful of them. And then maybe when we really start to consider how these feelings are affecting us, maybe we can start showing ourselves a little forgiveness and a little compassion.

Wishing you well on this day <3