We all know what it’s like to be angry. And these days, where it can feel like we’re online and consuming media constantly, anger seems to be a difficult emotion to avoid. One professor at the University of California at Irvine even said that Americans are currently living in “an anger incubator”. Yikes.
But mindfulness is about letting go of those angry vibes and spreading love and light, right? Not quite. The important thing to consider right away is that anger is a normal and natural response. While psychologists have apparently debated the exact number of “basic emotions” (different sources state there are between four and eight), the one common thread is that all theories include anger as a basic emotion.
While anger is often an unpleasant feeling, it would be unfair to it as an emotion to consider it negative. Researchers consider it be a valuable tool both from an evolutionary standpoint (for example, as a response to a predator), and also in maintaining societal order.
So if it’s a naturally occurring emotion, then how much influence do we really have over it? How do we pinpoint more accurately what it actually is, so that we can learn how better to deal with it? One potentially helpful theory distinguishes anger, revenge, and hate by saying that anger is a result of a situation (particularly an unjust one) whereas the wish to exact revenge is a result of wanting to re-establish a sense of the self, and hatred is typically directed toward a person or group, or another external object or thing.
Anger may be normal, but it might not always be helpful
So we know that anger can be helpful, but that doesn’t mean it always is. (Also, "unhelpful" is probably only safe to use when describing your own anger. It's not advised to outwardly judge someone else's anger as unhelpful, or to tell someone to just 'let it go'.)
Deciding to let go of anger could be a decision you make for yourself, especially if you're dwelling in anger a lot or you feel it's holding you back. So how do you know if it's something you should let go or if you can use it? That's going to take a little pondering on your part, but let's consider some ideas:
What happened that made you feel anger?
Anger often occurs when we hit an obstacle. Maybe you've had a tough day at work, and you're so close to being home but when you quickly pop into the supermarket to grab a treat, someone cuts in front of you in the queue. Or maybe you've been interviewed for your dream job, and you really thought it was going to be yours but then you found out it was offered to someone at your old job who you never really got on with.
Those seem like very different scales of situation, but the resulting anger could be the same. In these cases it's important to remember that your emotional response can vary wildly from day to day, based on all the other things happening in your life. If you're having a good day, someone skipping ahead of you in line at the supermarket could be brushed off without a second thought. So the first way we can mindfully consider our anger is by asking ourselves: is this level of anger* an appropriate response? Is this worth my anger?
*’level of anger' is something that is very personal. You might only feel a light anger or a gnawing frustration, but anger could also manifest as a deep seething where your pulse rate increases and your breathing changes.
The answer might just be a simple "no". It might not be worth the anger if your anger cannot lead to a righting of the wrong. You could speak up, and say "excuse me, but I was next in the queue." That person might have been so caught up in their own life and their own situation that maybe they didn't even see you there, in which case maybe they'll apologise and join the queue behind you. But maybe it doesn't matter to you that much, maybe you're not in a hurry and the time it will take for the cashier to serve that extra customer isn't worth the energy and emotion of you engaging with someone about it.
Either way, you can't control the fact that anger arose in you. As established earlier, the feeling of anger is a normal and natural response.
When anger is appropriate
So what about those situations where the answer is "yes"? Those moments where your anger is definitely an appropriate response to an unjust situation. Well, you still have some decisions to make:
What can you do with the anger?
Can you use it to create change? Even if it's an almost imperceivable change, would it make you feel better to attempt to contribute to a just cause? These are the things we can consider in large-scale injustices, like racism, social issues, cruelty to animals, climate change, etc. In these cases, it can be hard to feel like we have any power to make changes, but we can remind ourselves that perhaps any contribution is better than none at all, and at the very least, altruism could help our overall wellbeing
How can you take responsibility for your anger?
If you feel that your anger is appropriate and you feel compelled to act on it, how can that be done reasonably? Let’s take our previous example of being in the queue at the supermarket and that person who cuts in front of you. If you’re thinking about this scenario while you’re not actually living it, you might think that you’d politely point out to the person that you were next. But is it likely that you’d be able to keep that much composure? Or would you perhaps be more likely to respond with sarcasm, or by drawing attention to that person, as if to shame them? There are many factors that affect how we respond to things, but we should bear in mind that just because our anger is a natural response to an event, acting on that anger with rage or unkindness is a choice.
What if you feel anger all the time?
Again, remember that anger is a perfectly normal emotion to feel, so the presence of anger in your mind is not inherently a bad thing. That said, if you find yourself consistently dwelling in anger, or you find that anger is a regular emotional response, it might be worth considering why this might be the case.
Try journalling. Writing can help you slow down and organise your thoughts. It could give you some perspective on the type of things that make you feel angry, and could isolate some of your triggers.
Consider therapy. Excessive anger is linked to several mental health disorders, and a qualified mental health professional could assess you and give you medication or ways to cope with your emotions.
Think about the actions you take that lead to your anger, and set actionable limitations. Are you watching the news all day long and simmering in anger as you do so? It's understandable to want to stay up to date on everything that's happening in the world (especially this year - oh 2020...), but maybe it would be better for your wellbeing to limit the amount of time you spend checking the news. Perhaps turning off all but breaking news notifications, or limiting yourself to checking it at certain times of day (maybe once in the morning and once in the evening). Do you find yourself seething with anger while scrolling on Twitter? Maybe it would be beneficial to limit the amount of time you spend there, perhaps by removing the app from your phone and using the desktop version only, or setting yourself allotted times to visit the site.
Coping with anger in others
If anger is indeed related to situational injustice, it makes a lot of sense that we all have different things that make us angry, simply because we each draw on different backgrounds and experiences and have our own parameters of rightness and wrongness. But we must be mindful of dismissing other people’s anger just because we don't feel it ourselves. If Person A is feeling angry because of a particular situation, and Person B dismisses the other person’s anger as unhelpful or deems the situation unworthy of anger, it's probably more likely to increase Person A's anger, as they're going to feel more alone in their fight against the perceived injustice. In this scenario, Person B has become an antagonist, even though they may have thought they were helping. They might have inadvertently even reinforced Person A’s anger, as by not sharing the anger, it may appear to Person A that Person B is taking the opposing side.
Communicating with someone who feels anger
So what could Person B do in this situation?
They could employ mindful listening. That is, listening to Person A, without any judgment, without interruption, or discounting Person A's experience. Mindful listening also means paying attention fully. That is, not just letting Person A rant while Person B mentally plans their next grocery trip.
Exercise empathy. That means Person B should not be internally criticising Person A, with things like "ugh, they complain so much" or "I don't know why they're so upset by this" or "I don't have time for this". Exercising empathy means listening fully. If Person B found their mind wandering to judgments or distractions while Person A is talking, they could bring their attention back and actively tune in again to what Person A is saying. This can help Person B more fully understand Person A's perspective and point of view.
Practice mindful response. The appropriate response to anger will vary depending on the people and the situation, but a simple acknowledgment of Person A's pain, such as "that sounds really hard" or "I'm sorry that happened to you" could go a long way in showing support. Person B could ask questions, which could help Person A analyse their own situation and understand it with more context, which could in turn help them to either plan their next action or to accept things they are unable to change.
An additional note on dealing with other people’s anger: while an angry person isn’t necessarily abusive, an abuser in a relationship can often use anger and rage as means of controlling or manipulating the victim. In this situation, please know that none of the talking points here about mindful listening or considering the angry person’s perspective applies. If you are in an abusive relationship and need to seek help, click here for USA resources, click here for UK resources.